


All i want for Christmas is a family

by Mimisempai



Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [13]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:40:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28287108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: Since they have been a couple, Sonny and Rafael have never spent Christmas Eve together. Rafael invokes the fact that his mother is uncomfortable with reunions that are too big, and does not want to separate Sonny from his family on this important holiday for him.But Sonny decided to change this and surprise Rafael, however he didn't expect to find out that all these years Rafael had lied to him about why they couldn't spend Christmas Eve together...
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052099
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	All i want for Christmas is a family

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BeMyOnlyReason](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeMyOnlyReason/gifts).



> This advent calendar is coming to an end, but I'm sure that tomorrow there will be a little gift under the tree...  
> Thanks to all those who followed my little Christmas stories!  
> Seeing the enthusiastic comments and the kudos is a real joy.  
> I wish you all a wonderful holiday, whether with your family or not, in this difficult time for all of us, that we can for one evening or one day or one hour, forget or at least put aside our sufferings and enjoy this moment of joy.

Sonny had decided to change their habits. Although they lived together, he and Rafael never celebrated Christmas together, Rafael said that his mother felt uncomfortable with so many people. Since he didn't want to leave her alone and he knew that family was important to Sonny on Christmas Eve, they spent it apart. But Sonny wanted to change that.

He had told his family firmly that this year he was spending Christmas with Rafael and his mom. And he wanted to surprise them. 

Happy to be home and hoping to spend a surprise Christmas with his lover, Sonny hummed a joyful tune as he climbed the stairs leading up to their apartment. With a lightness he hadn't felt in a while, he gently opened the front door and entered.

He took off his coat and hung it up, then he walked to the living room where the lights were on and filtered through the half-open door. He stopped because he heard voices. Maybe Rafael was on the phone. As he opened the door he heard Lucia's voice, "Rafael, I really think you should try to spend Christmas with Sonny's family instead of using me as an excuse."

"Mama, I can't, I really can't! You know why I can't."

"Rafi..." Sonny heard Lucia sigh and then continued, "Don't you think Sonny deserves to know the truth."

He chose this moment to enter, startled them, "What truth?"

He knew he had to stay calm, he hardly restrained himself and clenched his fists.

"Rafael?" he said in the awkward silence.

Rafael huffed and his expression closed, "That's exactly what you heard Sonny, I don't want to spend Christmas with your family."

Sonny just stood there with his mouth open while his brain tried to find the most logical conclusion. 

"But I thought it was your mother who didn't want to. No offense, Lucia."

Her expression softened, then became serious again as she turned to Rafael, "I kept asking him why you were never here for the vacations, but he always told me that you preferred to be with your family. It was only last year that I learned the ver-"

"Speaking of which," Rafael cut his mother, "How come you're not with them?"

In a nervous habit that Sonny had never managed to lose, he ran a hand through his messy hair. "I didn't feel good about spending another Christmas apart from you, so I decided to leave and came home." He sighed. This is not how he expected to greet his lover when he arrived.

"And so you come back like that, without thinking that maybe we had planned something else."

Sonny knew rationally that Rafael was on the defensive, that he was reacting like that because he was caught off guard. So he tried to stay calm.

"I thought I'd spend Christmas quietly with you and your mom, but I come home to find that you've been lying to me all these years!" Sonny's voice came up at the end of the sentence.

"Sonny, I suggest we talk about this in the kitchen. Please excuse us, mama." 

"Fine. I'll wait here, then." 

When they entered the kitchen, Rafael closed the door so they could tell each other what they wanted without his mother hearing. Sonny wasted no time rounding on the corners with his partner the second the door closed. "What's going on, Rafael? We've been together for eight years and you lie to me every year about not spending Christmas together?!"

"I only lied to you about the reason why, so don't make a big deal out of it, the result is the same." 

Sonny sighed in exasperation. "Oh no! I'm not one of your defendants, don't try to manipulate me."

"Sometimes there are private things I don't want to or can't tell you, you can understand that, can't you?" Rafael folded his arms across his chest, looking defiant.

"But there should be no secrets between us!"

"Is that so? Then how come I only discovered the reason for the scar on your hips a few days ago? And there are still memories of my youth that I haven't shared with you and maybe never will."

Sonny passed his hand over his frustrated face. "Ugh, it's one thing not to expose all the bad memories of our past, but this is the present! Who knows how many years we would have gone on with this lie if I hadn't caught you!" He started screaming again, and his eyes shone with anger and pain at not being taken seriously.

Rafael's eyes hardened at this statement. "I lied by omission, you could stop playing the drama queen. I didn't cheat on you."

Sonny's hands clenched. Rafael hadn't been this dry and biting in years. "It's not fair, Rafael, you didn't even give me a choice! I would have no problem spending Christmas with the two of you, I don't understand!" He turned away, not wanting to look at Rafael as he stood still. It had taken him a long time to learn to calm down in the middle of one of their verbal arguments.

"I know that family is important to you, I didn't want to take that away from you." Rafael had lowered the tone of his own voice, trying to use logic in his argument to appeal to Sonny's more rational side.

Unfortunately, it didn't work. "So it's my fault after all?" 

Rafael sighed and pinched his forehead right between his eyebrows. "That's not what I meant and you know it. I just want a quiet Christmas and with your family it's anything but."

"But you never said anything. You just kept secrets behind my back." Suddenly, Sonny felt the fight slipping away from him. Rafael clearly didn't trust him, and that made him very sad. He had felt like a stranger with his family because he missed Rafael and now he felt betrayed in his own home. He felt unwanted again, just like when he was a child, lonely and pushed aside by his classmates or later as a cop. The pain pierced through him and for the first time in years he almost felt like crying, because this betrayal by Rafael was almost unbearable.He didn't want to cry about it though. He wouldn't cry. At least not in front of Rafael. But he couldn't stay either. "Fine," he said in a small, hoarse voice, "I'm going to leave."

Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and walked to the front door. He rushed out, not wanting to give Rafael time to chase him, and once he was outside, he started walking around aimlessly.

\--

Some time later, having nowhere else to go, he went to the small church in their neighborhood where he went to mass once a week. He sat in the last bench, the church lit only by the glow of the manger.

He stood there, trembling, rolling the beads of his rosary in his hand. This gesture and prayer had always comforted him, anchoring him and making him feel like he belonged to something greater. But not tonight. 

Tonight the appeasement did not come, he could not understand how things had gotten so out of hand. It would have been enough for Rafael to explain it to him. But had he given him time to explain? 

And then Sonny realized that he had behaved like an immature kid again. Exactly as he had feared Rafael would see him.

Could something like that endanger their relationship?

Sonny's throat tightened and he found it hard to hold his bile as he imagined his life without Rafael.

"No, no, no..." he took his head in his hands and stayed like that, prostrate on the bench. 

He was so desperate that he didn't hear the church door open and didn't notice that someone had slipped in beside him. He noticed it only when an arm slipped under his, and fingers became entangled with his own. "I'm sorry, Sonny. I should have been honest with you and explained why I didn't want to spend Christmas with your family."

"No, Rafael, I should have listened to you and not insisted. You have the right to have your secret garden. And I had no right to accuse you like that. I didn't have -"

"Stop Sonny, this time, you reaction was completely legitimate. I shouldn't have lied to you. For that I ask your forgiveness, Cariño."

Sonny didn't know how much he needed to hear this words before he heard them. He always questioned himself and always found a way to feel guilty no matter what the conflict was. That Rafael at this moment acknowledged his wrongs, and validated Sonny's feelings, soothed his bruised heart.

"Will you listen to me?" There was an hesitation in Rafael's voice, an uncertainty that Sonny had rarely heard with him. He tightened his fingers around Rafael's and simply whispered, "I'm listening to you, Rafael."

"I've already more or less let you hear that my father wasn't really a good man. You should know that as far back as I can remember, and until he left us years ago, I don't really have happy memories of Christmas, as Dad was drunk most of the time, Christmas Eve often ended in shouting and even beating. My only happy Christmases were when Abuelita came to live with us. Since she is no longer here, I can no longer feel the joy of Christmas. So I didn't want to spoil your joy and I preferred to lie to you so that you wouldn't feel guilty but in the end I hurt you anyway."

"Oh Rafael, I'm so sorry, and by inviting you here year after year, I've only twisted the knife in the wound." Sonny repeated, "I'm so so--"

"Shhh Sonny, this time I'm the one and only one responsible, I've settled into this facility. I'm the one who's sorry I hurt you. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me."

Sonny turned to Rafael, his eyes shining from unshed tears and cupped his cheek in his hand, "Yes Rafael I forgive you, but I want you to promise me something, never lie to me again because you want to preserve me. I am not made of glass. I'm not just here for the self-confident man, who is strong in all circumstances, my love for you is not superficial Rafael, I know we are not married but I love you for better and for worse."

Rafael swallowed before answering in a hoarse voice, "I promise you Sonny."

Then he sealed his promise with a light kiss.

"Come on now, let's go home and celebrate Christmas together." Rafael stood up and pulled Sonny behind him and they returned home holding hands.

When they entered the apartment, Lucia was in the hallway and she watched them for a few seconds before approaching and hugging them both, "Oh my boys, I'm glad everything is settled between you. Come and sit down in the living room, I've prepared eggnog for you."

She walked to the kitchen.

Sonny hugged Rafael gently and then whispered, "Go to the couch, I'll help your mother." Rafael, not being fooled, looked at him with a knowing look on his face.

Sonny entered the kitchen and at the noise Lucia looked up, she scrutinized him for long seconds but he tried not to flinch, not to let the anxiety, the feeling of inadequacy control him. She surprised him when she raised her hands and took his face in her hands. 

"You are a good man, Sonny. Rafi speaks highly of you, in his sarcastic way," she continued in response to Sonny's widened eyes, "and I thank you for entering Rafael's life and especially for staying. These last 8 years I have seen him change and open up and it is thanks to you. Thank you." And she kissed him on the forehead.

Sonny was a little stunned but happy with the affection shown to him by Rafael's mother. Seeing him standing there gawking, she said to him, "There, there, it's time for us to open the presents. Let's go." She dragged Sonny, who was holding the glasses, to the living room and urged him to sit next to Rafael and seated in the armchair. She gave Rafael a stern look. "Now, if my son's done with his nonsense, we can all have a nice evening, no?"

Sonny looked between his lover and the mother of his lover and saw the will to start something new. And the promise of many happy Christmases to come.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sarah for the Beta. <3


End file.
